The Flight(s)

Oh flying. What a simple pleasure. What an absolute frustration.

I'd like to, first off, give recognition where recognition is due. Dad, Kristy, Sabrina and whoever else filled out all those baggage tags for me. Oh thank god. My head was in a tailspin the entire day and I was not at all prepared for the confusion that is Seatac. Thank you for taking care of that detail for me, that would have been surely forgotten otherwise.

And Stephanie. Oh god, thank you so much Stephanie. I think you were the only one that kept me sane. Standing and waiting in three different lines is no fun at all, but there you were with me the entire time. And United. Fuck. United. You were the one who kept me from shoving little flight brochures down each and every one of those people's throats (except the last lady, she was nice). And after waiting there for half an hour with me telling me it was all going to be okay, you were the one who was like "HEY, can we get some help here?!" Thank you. You are wonderful.

After that tearful goodbye I walked through the security check point and didn't look back. A good friend of mine told me that it's a good thing, to not look back. And I believe it. It totally works, try it sometime.

I had trouble leaving my own state. Apparently belt buckles aren't oh-so-common, and just like my flight to Denver I was stopped and searched. But, you see, Denver was my little beige backpack. Today, I was juggling two large carry-ons. Not to mention the shoes and laptop I had removed from their respective, comfortable places. So she tears open my bag and the belt buckles are pretty close to the top. And she's like "ahhhh yeahhh belt buckles. cool. OH MAN! You have another one. Man, is that a cassette tape?? That's really cool, where did you find that?" ....... "A pipe! Cool, I've been wanting to get one of these for my husband, he has a pipe but it doesn't have a cool case like this. Where did you find this?" ..... "Okay go ahead and repack your bags."

Thank you Ms. Nice Nosy Lady Whom Likes Jon's Stuff.

The flight to Chicago was fairly painless. I had a window seat and two nice young people from the University of Illinois next to me. But man, I think I was sweating all day, I feel a little bad about my odor. I was self conscious during the flight so I was pressing my arms down so none of it could escape, which of course only made me sweat more. But oh well, they were nice.

I thought, as rose above the terrain, that all the mountains we have in the Northwest, are incredible behemoths. To see Seattle shrink into almost nothing, and then to stare, directly across the world at three, ancient, giant vocanoes... It was amazing. I couldn't believe it at all. And just as I began thinking that they were the biggest things in the world, we rose above the clouds. And there it was. An infinate sea of behemoths, much large than those that I had just admired. Staring straight back at me, fluffy, white giants. And that was when I decided that the world was, indeed, flat. Certainly, if relativity has anything to do with it.

The O'Hare airport is realllly cool. The design was neat and the gates seemed fairly untuitive and user friendly so far as their relation to each other went. I ate at Quizno's, and my head was still spinning, and I forgot my order number and the lady at the counter was cursing under her breath at me. Ms. Quizno's Lady, dude, I totally understand. Stupid kids.

I bought a cool collector's tin carton of Lucky Strikes at the Duty Free shop. It's super neat. You have no idea.

And then I left my backpack under a bench next to my gate. Yep. I was in the bathroom trying to make myself smell better and then I was like "OH SHIT" and I ran out and back to the gate and found this middle aged chubby man sleeping on it. "Schwiiinnk" I swiped it and hopped on the plane to Frankfurt. This plan looks nice. Big Airbus. 10-11 hours? No prob.

Fat. Guy.

I was in the middle of the cabin in the middle most seat. And I was fortunate enough to have the fattest German guy in the world to the left of me. He had to lift up his right arm rest, just so he could seep his droopy sacks of lard into MY TERRITORY. Moreso, he was tall. And had to spread his legs at just the right angle to fit in between the seats. Hello fat man lard and leg. It is very nice to meet you.

He didn't say a word to me while he was conscious, which wasn't long. He fell asleep and began snoring loudly almost immediately. And then, one by one, they all fell asleep. And here I am crushed up against the other side of my seat, I can't figure out how to recline my effing chair, my sleep schedule is completely boned, and I'm stuck watching What Happens In Vegas on the little screen in front of me.

I thought it was almost over when I looked at the flight info and saw that we were only just about over Greenland.

It was long. And the food was terrible. And that fat guy didn't say a word to me when he spilled coffee all over me.

hmph.

As we were flying over Germany and turning turning, I was straning straining to see the ground as we dipped our wings to and fro. I'd like you to all know that I made a mental note at this moment: Our world is very tamed. Whether that's a good or bad thing is one of those ultimate quiestions that I won't bore you with for now.

Many of you know I've been working very hard to secure my visa these past couple months. Lots of work, lots of money, lots of travel. Tons of fun.

It took all of thirty seconds to go through the checkpoint. The guy looked at me, asked where I was studying, stamped the visa and told me to go through. He totally destroyed Ms. Nice Nosy Lady Whom Likes Jon's Stuff's record time of four minutes.

So, if you are coming to Europe and are worrying. Just don't. Worry, that is.

I've never been in such a confusing airport in my entire life. I got stopped at the security check point here too, because they wanted to make sure I didn't have a bomb in my shoe.

There was an insane amount of stairs. A lot of people. And not too much English. Boy, oh boy.

And then I stopped. And gasped. And staired in amazement at MY BLOODY INVENTION! I invented that years ago! And there it was. The Smoke n' Go. A glass box, where people can smoke while all of their smoke is instantly sucked through air filters and pushed out to run around with all the rest of it's clean air friends.

I can't believe I haven't seen the royalties on this thing yet. It was so amazingly fucntional... they didn't even have to include the air lock!

Jerks.

And then there I was on my flight to Nice. Only an hour and half. AND I HAVE MY OWN ROW AND MY OWN WINDOW SEAT! yes! I fell asleep immediately and awoke to the plane doing a sharp 180 to line up with the airport. Disorientated, I looked out the window and could see nothing but blue. Flat blue, slight ripples. And it didn't occur to me that I was staring at the Meditteranean Sea until the nose of the plane revealed to me a large, shining sun, on it's descent towards North America. The beams shot across the blue and revealed to me what were now small sailboats, and ripples that were waves, and a very sweet, blinding orange ish light. My mouth literally dropped open. And I think I gasped.

I was in France.